When I was a little girl and did something wrong I thought the words I’m sorry would fix anything. If I said I’m sorry it would be over and we should move on. You would say “Krissy, sometimes I’m sorry isn’t enough”. I understand now what you meant. It’s all I have to give you now. I am sorry. I’m sorry for the hurt you feel and the pain you are experiencing. I’m sorry that it was me that caused you this pain.
I want you to know that the accident happened quickly. I did not experience any pain. My soul was gone in a flash. I know you have questions. Was my life path complete or was this an exit point? I can not answer that for you. Before we came to this earth we planned our life paths together. You have your own path just as I had mine. The questions you have are part of your path. As you are already doing, you will grow spiritually as you search for your answers.
I know you wonder if I was surprised by anything I learned about you when I arrived and was able to see everything. I can answer that one. Oh Yeah!!!! I was surprised at how strong you are. I was surprised at how well you held up during everything. I was surprised that you went out the house without makeup on. Just kidding. I was surprised to learn some of the things about your younger years. You were a little cooler than I thought. I was surprised to learn how well you knew me. What I was not surprised about was how much you love me. That was something that was never in doubt. I love you that much too.
I know that it wasn’t always easy to be my Mom. I know I caused you worry and I know that sometimes I made you angry. I know you have been looking for answers….trying to make sense out of my life so you can accept my being gone. I know you have made a lot of progress. You know me now better than you ever did. I’m grateful that you have found Tobi to help you with that. She will be a forever friend.
No matter what was going on in our lives I could always see the love and pride in your eyes. I remember when I was sick with Ulcerative Colitis and after my car accident, I would look at you and see the worry in your eyes but I would also see the pride you had for me. You told me that I was brave. I wasn’t brave. I knew I had you there and you would take care of me. You never left me for a minute. You never let me down.
I am proud of you too. You are working so hard to accept my loss. I’m proud of you for letting me go so I can help Dad, Gene, and Cory. I know that is hard for you. I watch you cry. That hurts; even here. I also know you want to help them but you have to remember that they are on their own life path. You and Gyla need to take care of each other. Let me worry about the rest. Give them up to me. I know what to do.
I want to thank you for raising me in such a way that I could become the person I was meant to be. Cory too. You didn’t try to mold us or treat us like a dolls. You always respected the person that we were. This allowed us to follow our paths. I mention Cory because our paths are intricately intertwined. Cory and I are twin souls. Our story isn’t done yet. I am with him everyday and every night. I am watching over him. You don’t have to worry about him.
I also want to thank you for helping Gene. He’s grateful for your support. He is also growing spiritually. We loved each other. It was real and a very special gift but he will move on. You must be careful not to hold him back. You are doing the right thing by not holding on to him too close.
I also thank you for helping out My Girl. She was a good friend. She didn’t let me down. I really had fun watching you together. I know you like her and you were surprised. Keep in touch with her. She is a nice girl.
I want you to know that I was always very proud of you. I am proud of you now. I am so happy to see you reaching out to the other Mom’s in your email group. It has made new friends for me here too. Last week Trevor, Avra, John, and I were all with you while you Moms were together. It was great to see you laughing and having a good time. Your spirits all seemed to melt together into one.
I know you wonder if I knew my time was coming to an end. At some level I did. I remember when I gave you that little pink angel for Christmas last year. We both knew it was special but we didn’t know why. You heard the catch in my voice when I told you my email address was IMANANGELINHEAVEN. I didn’t know why it was there myself. I remember the curious look you gave me when I gave you the diamond earrings for your birthday. I know you were thinking “Why now?” But the angels didn’t tell me that I wouldn’t see you again when we left each other in Las Vegas. That gift was yours alone. I know that my exit took a lot of planning. It all wasn’t a coincidence. A lot of love was involved on both sides. It all came together.
Now I am here. Thank you for helping me write this letter to you. I know that some of it is yours and some of it is mine but we always were a pretty good team. Where do you think your poetry is coming from? You never wrote poetry before. Okay…..some of it is yours.
I love you, Momma. I love Gyla and Cory too. I’m with you all the time. I like to stand with you on the porch at work. I will miss our time there when you move downtown to your new office. That’s okay. We’ll find a new spot.
Sometimes I walk with Gyla at Nasa. I’m sure you know that I often ride with Cory in MY car. I also spend a lot of time with Dad, Gene, the Whitlows, Aunt Ann and Uncle Ed and Grandma. When it’s their time I’ll be here waiting for them. You don’t have to be afraid.
That’s all Mom. Everybody on this side says hello and says to tell you they love you. It is beautiful here. I’m happy. Please don’t worry about me anymore.
Krissy Goodman bounded through the Heavenly Gate Sunday, June 20th, 2004. She arrived to her favorite kind of celebration .....a family reunion. She was met first by her PawPaw, her Mother's Step-Father, who got a big kick out of getting to introduce Krissy to Grandpa-John, her Mother's Father. (Krissy's Grandfather and her step Grandfather were best friends in life. Grandpa John crossed over 12 years before Krissy's birth. ) She met her Aunt Marcy, her mother's sister who crossed over as a young child. She was also met by MaMaw Annie, her Father's Mother and Uncle Larry, her Father's brother and Krissy's favorite uncle. She got a chance to meet her Grandpa Fred, her Father's Dad, for the first time. Also in attendance were great-grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and friends. She had a great reunion with Joe and his Grandmother who crossed over as a result of a tragic traffic accident that Krissy was also involved in when she was 15. She was reunited with many pets,....dogs Sam, Daisy, Einstein, Cubby, and Thunder. Also there was a host of hamsters, guinea pigs and gerbles. Before the reunion was over, Pete, her much loved Pit Bull joined her in Heaven. The family feasted on her Grandpa-John's fried chicken, MaMaw's chicken and spaghetti, bananna pudding and sweet tea, great-grandma's rice pudding and her Uncle Larry's Parmesan chicken.
They laughed, talked, told a lot of stories, and as always with Krissy, there was a lot of hugging going on.
It didn't take Krissy long to try out her wings. She adjusted quickly. She was thrilled to learn to manipulate things here on earth. She left pennies and feathers for loved ones. She logged on to the computer with her mother at work one day and played havoc with Gyla in the grocery store. Those left behind on earth have felt her love through laughter just like they did when she walked the world with them.
Krissy is busy considering her options for a job in Heaven. She always wanted to work with troubled teens and now she has quite an opportunity. Considering her driving record and her enjoyment of watching car racing she is thinking about becoming a Driving Guardian Angel to keep teens out of harms way. Whatever she chooses it will definitely have a sense of the dramatic. Krissy always likes to make her presence known.
Krissy is also making many friends in Heaven. She's met many new friends who are children of her Mom's new friends in the Grieving Parent's email group. She's happy that the Mom's are there to help each other out. The hardest part for Krissy and all her new friends is to watch their loved ones grieve. She wants everyone to know that they are okay and they are Hangin Out and having a big time getting to know each other.
She has these words for her loved ones. "I want you to know that I love you. I see your grief and know of your pain. I would do anything I can to stop it but it is part of your life path just as leaving was part of mine. Please look inside your hearts. I am there. I am never far from you. All you have to do is call my name. I will be there with you and for you."
Krissy's due date was the 6th of November but I looked up the full moon and it was going to be Nov 1st. I was so worried that she would be born on Halloween. For some reason I just didn't want that. It was a big deal to me.
I was reading Cory a book before bed about 10:30 when I felt the first contraction. I finished the story and went to the living room and told my husband that I had a contraction. His response....he went to bed. I thought about it. I decided to lay down too and try to get some rest. My labor with Cory had lasted 18 hours so I figured I should give it a try. At 11:25 I was laying in bed and my water broke. I woke up Ronny and told him. He asked if he had time to take a shower and I said to go ahead. I was sure we had plenty of time. The contractions started hitting harder and faster. Ronny got dressed and we started to leave. I picked up my purse but couldn't carry it. It felt like it weighed 100 pounds.
We had planned to meet some friends half way to the hospital so they could take Cory. We met them at a gas station. I don't think Cory ever woke up. We got to the hospital at 12:10. Krissy was born at 12:40, Nov 1st. 1982. I was fully dialated when I arrived at the hospital. The nurse was so nervous. She had never delivered a baby before and it sure looked like she was going to deliver Krissy. She called in the supervisor of nursing and that woman didn't look any more confident than she did. They called the doctor and he was rushing in. My contractions were coming hard and quick. They told me to blow threw them. The nurses got everything ready. There was a silent agreement that the next contraction would be it.....doctor or no doctor. He walked in right then. He took a look at everyones faces and he rushed over. I can still remember the look on his face when he realized what was going on. He came over and I said "I have to push". He said go ahead and there was Krissy. She came out screaming (would you expect anything else).
Instead of being born on Halloween she was born on All Saints Day. Krissy arrived in a whirlwind.....just like she lived her life....just like she left it.
“What do you say about a girl who died?” These were the first words of the novel Love Story. They keep playing over and over in my mind.
What do you say about a girl named Krissy who died? You say “How sad”? You say “Parent’s shouldn’t have to bury their children”. You say “Everything is for a reason”. You say “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle?”
That’s not what I say. I say “Why?” I say “I miss her”. I say “How can I live my life without my Krissy?”
I have fought hard to learn the reason why. My faith is stronger. I now know about Angels, Spirit Guides, and Life Paths. I’ve learned about messages from the other side. I appreciate a butterfly or dragonfly when I see one. I’m happy when my lights blink on and off. I pick up every penny and feather I find. I watch each and every bird in the sky. I search the night sky for a start that might have the name Krissy on it. My life is richer and fuller because of this. No matter how full it is not enough to fill the hole that was ripped in my soul when Krissy died. I know she is with me everyday but I get tired from missing her. I get tired from being strong. I get tired from choking back tears. I get tired from hurting.
Everyday I start anew. I wonder “Will this day be filled with pain?” I wonder “Will this day be a good day. Will I write a poem or go to lunch?” I wonder “Will I be able to crawl out of this hole for a little while? Can I feel normal for just a little bit today?”
I have made new friends. They are other grieving Mom’s. They are the ones who understand. They are the ones that pick me up when I fall. They are the ones who celebrate the good days with me. They will be with me forever. They are not afraid to ask how I am doing. They do not hesitate to say the name Krissy. They help me celebrate my successes. They never tire of Krissy stories. They look at her pictures over and over again. They can do these things because they are in the same place that I am. I can help them through their darkness while they help me through mine.
Sometimes I laugh. It’s at those times that I feel Krissy the closest to me. I feel her laughing with me. I feel her love. I know she is happy and that lessens my pain. I know that her path was complete but mine is not. I’m only now learning what my path is. It is to learn and grow spiritually in such a way that I can help others who walk this road behind me. I hope I can live up to this promise. If I can help a few who are journeying through grief then my life was worthwhile.
Through her life and through her death Krissy has given me many gifts. I believe I am only beginning to receive these gifts. Time will reveal all of them to me. Each of them helps me grow into the person that I hope that Krissy thought I was.
The most important gift I have ever received was the gift of being her Mom. It made my life worth living.